I am not angry. I am upset. I am not upset with you. I am upset with the emotional circumstance I have put myself in; I am in love with you.
I don’t want to be.
I want to be honest with people when they ask about you. And I am… All I can ever say is “I don’t know. We don’t talk. I don’t understand…”
It’s honest. It’s what I know. I have not been honest with myself in a way that is making me believe maybe there’s hope left… but I know me & I know that time does nothing but erase things from my life. I don’t want to give up on you. I just understand why I can’t just “be” with you. Not like together-together… but like, hey… let’s go to the park together.
I want to be ‘with’ you.
I want to tell you things.
I want to listen to your things.
I don’t want to miss you anymore.
But I can’t help it. I’ve been writing you out of my thoughts. I stopped writing you letters.
I threw the entire box away. You chose to miss these things for a reason. You have a plan.
I keep telling myself “He has a good reason. He has a plan.” Maybe it’s not me. Maybe it’s not someone else.
The circumstances… I’m upset with the circumstances.
And then my heart starts tugging at my brain—my ribs, my lungs, my chest deflates,
the butterflies turn into birds of prey and rip my core apart.
There’s a part of my heart that wants you to be at the center of everything.
“He became the sun & I became the moon…” Like a song in my head, you on repeat, reminding me that I can sing… when I want to… but only when I’m really happy or really sad.
Reminding me that there’s a love within me that I never deemed possible, and it is on fire.
Reminding me that obligation and love are not cousins… obligation was never a factor.
I love you because you made me feel human… not like a superhero.
I love the humanity in you… so much of my flawed reflection in you… even the part that rejects me when it doesn’t want to—I get that.
You were my lover; you gave me intimacy that surpassed any physical thing. You felt like familiar and new at the same time. My spirit clinged to you… “like a moth to a flame, burned by the fire…”.
Like corny love-song plugs & jokes that were only funny to us
& lunches that made the clock stop
& adventures in the city with the radio low and the sun hanging high…
& warm rays kissing my skin while you kissed my lips…
Like everything we have ever shared—all snatched out of me,
no anesthesia, no warning, no time to hold my breath.
I guess I just wanted to dive in without asking if you were an ocean, first. Without asking if you were [my] ocean.
My love, you are an entire ocean, stuck in the middle of my Earth… an ocean with water that looks like the sky—can’t tell the fall from the horizon.
You are an entire ocean, with waves that crash in rhythmic harmonies beneath my moonlight…
You, an ocean, with new life & electric mist that make my thunderstorms want to merge with you & create fire-breathing-lion-dragons…
You… are an ocean in the middle of my desert-Earth that I have been forbidden to explore.
So I’m sitting, standing, pacing at the shore… trying not to wait for you.
I guess I can say my love story starts or ends like this:
I had found a friend & my heart wanted too many adventures.
A Girl Who Finally Fell In Love